Make sure your fences always have a gate.

It was 1995, a year before getting married. Mark and I decided to take a codependency class. Next to accepting Christ, this class was truly the best decision of our premarital lives. Hands down.

One of the many topics discussed and probably the most important was boundaries. How to set them, the importance of keeping them and also realizing we could be unapologetic in doing so.

That class, though many would think insignificant, truly changed the course of our relationship and in turn the health of our marriage. It set us on a healthy track of balancing this thing called life.

Thirty years ago, the codependent topics were not an everyday conversation like they are presently. I’m sure it was in some circles but not like today. It was really a newfound realization that you can set your life on a healthy path. It was in contrast with today, where boundaries are in the forefront and almost a constant conversation. Then, in a time without social media, life was lived offline and every topic under the sun wasn’t constantly read or in your hand. But that class 30 plus years ago was a God given caveat for change. In us. In our marriage.

Boundaries.

Crucial for survival. Sounds dramatic, I know. But truly, without them, you could be tossed to and fro by every wave of expectation. And I’m here to tell you, it’s ok to say no. It’s ok to say that’s not for me without excuse, or without drumming up a reason why. You can just say NO. For a person like myself, the ultimate people pleaser, this has never been easy. But each year, I have grown more in this area. I’m more concerned with being a Jesus pleaser now than satisfying people. It’s freeing and incredibly rewarding. You, too, can create your own fences.

A fence draws a line, it sets a border. Imagine a world without bounds. Anything goes. It would be pure chaos. That’s what we allow in the confines of our individual lives when boundaries are not set. When we allow others to control our existence and when people pleasing is in the forefront, simply put, we are not living wholly. Or holy. Both homophones apply.

God set boundaries.

Genesis 1:4: God separated light from darkness, establishing order and boundaries from the beginning. 

Jesus himself created boundaries. Jesus’ Example: He took time for solitude, met His needs, and set clear limits demonstrating this.

Other biblical examples of drawing lines:

• Galatians 6:5: “For each will have to bear his own load” (or “carry his own load”). 
• Matthew 5:37: “Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil” (about truthfulness and clear communication). 
• Proverbs 25:17: “Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor’s house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you” (about not overstaying). 

Boundaries are not just a good thing, they are a necessary thing. And it’s best to have them. But there’s a tremendous key and that key is not to be overboard. As with everything in life, they should be balanced.

Gates.

The best kind of fences have an open door. These gates are for entering. Think of it this way. A fence has its line drawn but when it has a gate, it allows others in. So what that speaks to others is…you cannot enter there without jumping the fence of course, but here is an opening that I’ve created for you. That opening is welcoming and drawing in. Unguarded. Again, balance. A yard without a fence allows anyone in….to enter whenever and to stroll wherever they want. And a fence without a gate keeps others out constantly. Both not ideal. But a fence with a gate says some of what you’re asking is a no but I have a big wide open yes as well.

As much as not having boundaries is unhealthy and quite frankly havoc causing, so can having an overload of them. If you constantly have a boundary for every little thing, then you remove the manner of living that allows flexibility. My goal is to allow the Holy Spirit to lead. And when we do this, well that’s just freedom!

Recently, I was driving and the DJ on the radio said something to this extent.

“We used to be a culture where you could be a part of others lives…..you knew your neighbors, casseroles were brought for someone not well, all without feeling like an imposition.”

I really identified with this. An imposition. If everything were an imposition, where is the bond? No relationship. When a world becomes so boundary heavy, connection fades.

The best kind of fences are the ones with gates. A boundary is set not to push away or resist others. But instead, it is made for the health of one’s life. It does not have to be one or other. You can have both. Boundaries that are balanced.

So let others in. And reach out! Knock on that neighbors door, call that friend on the phone instead of texting, love on your family and reach out to the person on the street letting them know Christ’s love for them! Connection and relationship is just as vital as setting boundaries within that relationship.

As you set them, be strong, discerning and balanced. Don’t go overboard where no one can find the gate. You can be open without being fenceless.

Happy New Year and remember to be sure those fences of yours always have a gate!

Blessings!

Tanya

***AI free